Classical Gas!

So, I mentioned our planned visit to the Classics Day at the British Museum last Saturday, the 15th, in the last post. Well, what a gas it was! Absolutely blown away by the four speakers and their presentations. Going up to London the previous day was an excellent decision, a leisurely stroll to the Museum being preferable to an anxious hour and a half on a train crowded with people going to the Trooping of the Colour! At the end of the day, it was also relaxing to walk back to the hotel rather than fight for a place on the train with the same people, and feeling pretty hungry too.

The first speaker was Richard Abdy, curator of Roman and Iron Age Age coins at the Museum who was also the Curator of the major exhibition ‘Legion: life in the Roman Army’. He was followed by Dr. Daisy Dunn, an award-winning classicist and author of seven books and still in her thirties! She is also a cultural columnist and critic. Her lecture was excellent, being about Homer and the Trojan War. Her decision to leave the photo of Brad Pitt in his warrior outfit up a little too long on the screen certainly pleased the women in the audience (and maybe a few men too). I have looked at a couple of her books and they look very good, very readable, which is something which cannot be said for some works on the Classical period. She’s one to watch out for.

BP Lecture Theatre at the British Museum. My photo 15/06/2024

Next was Prof. Ian Morris whose lecture was entitled ‘Killing people and breaking things: What were Roman legions for?’ My eight-year-old inner self loved it! Ian Morris is a lecturer at Stanford University in California and a Fellow of the British Academy. The quote of his title apparently came from US soldiers he spoke to when invited to a base and he asked them what they thought their army was for. They added that unlike other countries, they did not however ‘steal things’. Yes, maybe… His talk was equally impressive as you might expect. The day concluded with a lecture by Prof. Caroline Vout, professor of Classics at the University of Cambridge. She presented ideas about the interpretation of artwork from Ancient Rome and really opened our eyes to misinterpretations. She had a very stated speaking voice, one of those where the last word or two of a sentence is held back for dramatic effect. At times, maybe a little too affected, but an excellent talk which certainly has made me think twice about the mosaics in particular which I have seen.

There was of course the obligatory book-signing session during lunchtime but as all we struggling writers know, never turn down the chance to sell a copy! I had not heard of any of these four people before but I would certainly now buy Daisy’s books and probably Caroline’s. Ian Morris is renowned for ‘big history’, linking events from across the centuries, even millennia, I tend to go for more ‘period’ pieces unless I’m in the pub. But his discussion of ‘mob violence’ and the subtle difference between that and the violence of an army was fascinating. Not many people would expect a lecture on |Roman legions to include a description of the hooliganism of Manchester United supporters!

To top the day off, at lunchtime we went outside to eat sandwiches at the front of the Museum, the clouds blew away, and we had a great view of the fly past for Trooping of the Colour! The tourists coming out at the same time could not believe their luck. Just a shame our aeroplanes looked a little…well…just a little…in Russia or China or the US no doubt there would have been dozens of planes, ours did look a little too little.

So, if you are in the UK next year and interested in the Classical World, you might like to check out who they have speaking and attend. The event is organised by City Lit, a college based in London.

All quiet on my front

It really has been some time since I posted. But who wants to write yet more after trying to write another novel? And the discovery that a one-and-a-half hour train journey to London is quite ‘do-able’ has meant my attention switches to there rather than here. Visits to museums, art galleries, shops not available in a closing-down seaside town, and now lectures and courses at colleges and museums has taken up my time.

As a new member of the British Museum, I have been impressed with their courses and lectures and members’ tours. This coming Saturday we shall be attending their yearly Classics Day, three or four lectures by eminent historians and writers. With a 10.30 start and the Museum only opening at 10.00, we took the (expensive) decision to go up on the Friday and stay over until Sunday. A Saturday evening looming free in London, we were amazed how many theatre shows had tickets available at such a relatively late date. We have booked a visit to the Cambridge Theatre to see Matilda, having seen an exert on TV recently and been blown away by the young actors. So, what started as a spend on train fares and a Museum lecture has snowballed into a two-night hotel stay and a musical, with all the extra meals thrown in to the total. This third book had better be a bestseller!

The British Museum’s Classics Day is partly held through City Lit, a college sited just off the Strand near Charing Cross station. I had signed up to City Lit a year or so ago for some reason but had never been to any of their courses or watched one online. As I was signing up for the Museum’s day through the City Lit website I noticed a course on the archaeology of Southwark, an area along the south bank of the Thames and where I had created my imaginary theatre for my most recent books. Being outside the city walls in the 16th century, the area was outside the laws of the city and that is why the theatres, gambling houses, stews (brothels) and many taverns were established there, as others were to the north of the wall in Smithfield and Shoreditch. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, and the coincidence, and went to it last Saturday. Starting a little later at 11.00, it was no hassle getting up to London on time, trains busy but no problem, everyone going out somewhere or on a journey and not worried about work…at least not many. An excellent day, nine people there, enough to get a mix of views and a chance to talk with all at some point. I am considering two or three other courses in June and July and then the college closes for August so will have to wait until September for more. Some courses last over several weeks, others form part of a qualification, but I think I will settle for a variety of one-day courses on any subject I’m attracted to…rail strikes and engineering works permitting…hmm.

City Lit, London. My photo 08/06/2024

What else? The third novel in what has become a series about the boy actor at this imaginary late 16th century London theatre is complete in its first draft and editing has started. It stalled several times so it will be interesting to see how it reads. I definitely brought in too many characters early on and will have to sacrifice or combine a few. These three seem to have covered approximately Spring, Summer and Autumn 1590 so I think another will have to move forward a year or so. A plague struck London around 1591/2 and the theatres had to close with the troupes going ‘on tour’ to avoid the disease and to make a living. It would make an interesting back-drop for another story. I also just recently got the idea of a biography of the main female character, a kind of woman who had to write under a man’s name and had to remain unnamed despite her important ideas and contributions. Whether she writes her autobiography or her husband writes her life or a modern-day historian does after stumbling on her papers, I have not decided, and it may never take off, it’s just a vague idea at present.

Whatever you’re doing in your life, remember never to stop learning – find a course or museum near you and discover new things. It will keep you young and may just stave off those terrible illnesses of old age.

Hey, Honey, I’m selling…!

Photo by ALMA on Unsplash

Okay, one key word missing from that heading in case you think I will adding ‘New York Times Bestseller!’ to my next book cover – FREE. Still, these days, when I don’t really try to send the books anywhere apart from family and friends, it’s quite pleasant to check a Kindle Freebie Promotion and find a few books – yeah, only four as I type – have actually been downloaded. I’ve read in a number of forums that these free promotions no longer guarantee multiple, or any, ‘sales’. Even in my little corner of the Kindle world I used to get ten or twenty ebooks downloaded when I put a volume in a free promotion for five days. More recently I found none shifted, then one last time, and, hell!, four so far this time. It’s interesting that it’s a book I wrote a few years ago, Home Run, which doesn’t feature the New York PI I created. It’s a simple tale of a boy and girl who were best buddies when ten then the girl’s family disappears overnight. The story then picks up years later when the young man sees who he thinks is the girl from his childhood. And so on…crime and the underworld come in and we head toward several possible endings. I really enjoyed writing that book, particularly the opening chapter when the two are kids playing baseball in parking lots. Let’s hope the four people, three in USA and one in Canada actually read them all the way and maybe even click a rating, good or bad. If you see that storyline pop up on Netflix or Amazon Prime in the next few years give me a buzz – I always worry someone might steal one of my badly written stories and make something of it. Wouldn’t that be the cruellest irony?

Photo by Eugenio Mazzone on Unsplash – MY KDP BOOKS IN TEN YEARS TIME…

Still, for a second it was a nice feeling this morning when I opened up the Report page of KDP and saw ‘6’ sales! I thought my latest Elizabethan adventure had hit the ground running. Never mind, the Elizabethans are a popular topic in USA according to my use of Wikipedia when checking information for the book – nearly 50% of the useful sites were based there, mainly in universities, so hopefully these four readers may check out my other books and progress to the 16th century rather than 1950s and 1960s New York.

Anyway, fellow writers out there, I hope your sales, even free ones, are not four, but forty, or four hundred. You probably deserve it more than me.

UPDATE: 24 hours later …and we’re up to 10 free copies downloaded! Move over Patterson and Rowling, your time at the top is over.

What? Another one? Nay…

This is becoming a VERY occasional blog now, as I see I missed the entire month of February. My defence is that the new book, mentioned below, has taken a long time to write and edit. Hopefully mistakes are minimal. There are a couple of places where the plot threatens to repeat itself, but I think I have explained that way in the dialogue or narrative. I just haven’t the energy to remove one and then have to read through the book again to check if there are any references to it still there!

Photo by Simran Sood on Unsplash

And, yes, I’m cheating a little here by copy and pasting a couple of paragraphs from the new front page of this website, based on the new book (probably not yet posted by the time you read this).

So, Acts of Intrigue, is the sequel to my last book, A Play of Deceit, continuing to follow the adventures of James Sandys, a boy actor in London of 1590. Alongside him still is Cressida Somerville who he met in that first book. It’s taken a while to write and edit, ending up as the longest novel I’ve written so far, around 153,000 words. That sounds great, but, boy, does it take time to edit! I intended to order Amazon’s proof copy but having a choice of waiting about ten days with free postage or six days for a cost of around £6.80, I decided to print the pages out myself, as I had done so with a few previous books. With four ‘book’ pages to a single sheet, it only took 100 sheets and five minutes or so – a lot quicker and cheaper. It always surprises me how many errors I miss on screen after staring at the words so long. I’m sure the ‘finished’ copy is not perfect but you have to draw the line somewhere – life needs to go on…and the next book is tapping at my head already!

I’ve written in other posts how certain music or singers or bands become linked to each book I write, either through discovering a new genre of song from the plots or listening on the computer from my various iTunes songs or BBC downloads. This book, Acts of Intrigue, has become heavily linked with the Kent group, Keane, who first came on the scene back around 2004. I had lost track of them since then but it seems they went on to solo projects and are back together now and on tour. I’ve rediscovered their incredible debut album and slowly become hooked on their songs since then. I would thoroughly recommend a ‘Best of…’ album for anyone new to them or go back to their first one, Hopes and Fears.

And so, we plough on, to Book Three in the series (yes, I’ve used Amazon’s relatively new facility to group books together if they form a series). Some written so far while editing the new book, now time to write the various plots out on a diagram and work out where it all may lead. Writing certainly becomes a compulsion – I look around at other people in coffee houses reading the papers, reading a book, staring out the window, and I just think, ‘What a waste of time! You could be writing a novel!’

Skinny long-johns

Hulton Archive

I am now of an age where the attraction of keeping my arms and legs warm in bitterly cold weather outweighs the linking of long johns with elderly men. I know -4 Centigrade is positively warm to many of my readers around the world but to us Brits it’s damn cold, so today I put on the long leggings for the very first time. The long-sleeve vest went on a few days ago. And…excellent! The leggings were particularly toastie as they say and the vest felt like an added tight jumper.

If there is one drawback for the older man, it’s the determination of some to keep up with the latest trends in trousers and jeans. For a few years now, slim-fitting and skinny trousers have been the rage and it’s quite amusing to see the over 60s stretching into theirs. Some men carry it off well, others should just be carried off. The latter remind me of a fashion fad I came across while writing my last and present books set in Elizabethan England. The peascod doublet was stuffed with extra material to give the man an accentuated chest. The name came from the fact the wearer looked like he was a peapod full of peas. Unfortunately some men today have a similar profile when squeezed into skinny jeans – long thin legs with an often paunchy stomach up top.

From Quora; apologies to the gentleman, his partner no doubt loves the look and him.

The additional problem when he hits the 60s, of course, is how to get the jeans on over his newly acquired long johns… And many men, as they age, need to visit the restroom more frequently – another dilemma trying to open/remove tight jeans with tight long johns underneath. Nothing moves or everything moves, resulting in another struggle to pull everything up straight when all is completed. Oh, the machinations of growing old…

But one advantage of even the slim-fitting trouser/jean is that it takes the hairs off your legs for free… be grateful for small mercies.

All you need is love

In the course of writing my present book, a sequel to A Play of Deceit, my characters make a journey around some of London’s 16th century streets. As they come to the Strand they see a column, weather-beaten but still an outstanding monument. James, the main character, explains how it came to be erected there.

King Edward I ordered the building of twelve tall decorated stone monuments topped with crosses in a line down part of the east of England to mark the nightly resting-places along the route taken when the body of his wife, Eleanor of Castile was transported to Westminster Abbey near London. Edward and Eleanor had been married for thirty-six years and she often went with her husband on his many travels. It was while on a royal progress that she died in the East Midlands in November 1290, perhaps due to fever. The monuments were finished by 1297.

The crosses stood at Lincoln, Grantham and Stamford, all in Lincolnshire; Geddington and Hardingstone in Northamptonshire; Stony Stratford in Buckinghamshire; Woburn and Dunstable in Bedfordshire; St Albans and Waltham (now Waltham Cross) in Hertfordshire; Cheapside in London; and Charing (now Charing Cross) in Westminster.

Three of the medieval monuments – those at Geddington, Hardingstone and Waltham Cross – survive fairly intact. The other nine, other than a few fragments, are lost. The largest and most decorative of the twelve was the Charing Cross, which cost over £600 (approximately £500,000 today). Various memorials and decorative copies of the crosses have been built, including the Queen Eleanor memorial Cross at Charing Cross Station (built in 1865).

Eleanor Cross at Charing Cross. (Wikipedia)

Eleanor was born in Burgos, daughter of Ferdinand III of Castile and Joan, Countess of Ponthieu. She was named after Eleanor of England, her paternal grand-grandmother, the daughter of Eleanor of Aquitaine and Henry II. Available evidence suggests Eleanor and Edward were devoted to each other. Edward is among the few medieval English kings not known to have had extramarital affairs or fathered children out of wedlock. The couple were apart on few occasions; she went with him on military campaigns in Wales, even giving birth to their son Edward on 25 April 1284 at Caernarfon Castle, either in a temporary dwelling built for her in the middle of the construction works, or in the partially erected Eagle Tower.

Outside of her marriage, Eleanor is seen as a keen, maybe over-zealous, businesswoman, acquiring land and manors no doubt through her position as queen. How much influence she had on Edward in political affairs is still open to debate. She was an active patroness of literature, setting up the only royal scriptorium known to have existed at the time in Northern Europe, with scribes and at least one illuminator to copy books for her. She was fluent in French and the books she had were all in that language. She popularised the use of tapestries and carpets, had considerable influence on the development of garden design in the royal estates, and was a devoted patron of the Dominican Order of friars and gave considerable amounts to charity. Overall, she is seen as playing an important part in helping establish a stable financial system for the king’s wife and most future economic activity by royal consorts owe much to Eleanor.

Eleanor’s tomb effigy in Westminster Abbey (Wikipedia)

It’s Xmas, Jim, but not as we know it…

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Thought I would search out a few different readings for you over the Christmas period, but still with a Christassy feel.

First up, how about a dash of JRR Tolkien’s The Father Christmas Letters.

Every December an envelope bearing a stamp from the North Pole would arrive for Tolkien’s children. Inside would be a letter in spidery handwriting and a beautiful coloured drawing or sketches. The letters were from Father Christmas. They told wonderful tales of life at the North Pole: how all the reindeer got loose and scattered presents all over the place; how the accident-prone Polar Bear climbed the North Pole and fell through the roof of Father Christmas’s house into the dining-room; how he broke the Moon into four pieces and made the Man in it fall into the back garden; how there were wars with the troublesome horde of goblins who lived in the caves beneath the house! Sometimes the Polar Bear would scrawl a note, and sometimes Ilbereth the Elf would write in his elegant flowing script, adding yet more life and humor to the stories.

Next, Washington Irving’s The Christmas Sketches.

Dickens once remarked, ‘I do not go to bed two nights out of seven without taking Washington Irving under my arm upstairs to bed with me.’ Irving’s old-style oratories are as sugary-sweet and pleasing as a tankard of heavily fortified mulled wine.  In ‘The Stage Coach’, the Christmas break was such that: “It was delightful to hear the gigantic plans of pleasure of the little rogues, and the impracticable feats they were to perform during their six weeks’ emancipation from the abhorred thraldom of book, birch, and pedagogue.”

In ‘Christmas Eve’, we catch a glimpse of old games we might struggle to know these days, even those of us who grew up when ‘games’ on Christmas Day involved people and not screens – ‘shoot the wild mare’, ‘hot cockles’, ‘steal the white loaf’, ‘snapdragon’.

And, Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather.

IT’S THE NIGHT BEFORE HOGSWATCH. The stockings are hanging ready, the sherry and pies are waiting by the fireplace – but where is the jolly fat man with his sack? Why is Death creeping down chimneys and trying to say ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’? Susan the gothic governess has got to sort it out by morning, otherwise there won’t be a morning. The 20th Discworld novel is a festive feast of darkness and Death (but with jolly robins and tinsel too). As they say: ‘You’d better watch out…’

Lastly, for now, Adalbert Stifter, Rock Crystal.

Rock Crystal contains one of the best descriptions of a frozen landscape you’re likely to encounter in any book, as well as the most affecting Christmas miracle in world literature. Author Adam Kirsch called it a ‘parable of frightening depth.’ Two children―Conrad and his little sister, Sanna―set out from their village high up in the Alps to visit their grandparents in the neighbouring valley. It is the day before Christmas but the weather is mild, though of course night falls early in December and the children are warned not to linger. The grandparents welcome the children with presents and pack them off with kisses. Then snow begins to fall, ever more thickly and steadily. Undaunted, the children press on, only to take a wrong turn. The snow rises higher and higher, time passes: it is deep night when the sky clears and Conrad and Sanna discover themselves out on a glacier, terrifying and beautiful, the heart of the void. Adalbert Stifter’s tale, beautifully translated by Elizabeth Mayer and Marianne Moore, explores what can be found between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day―or on any night of the year. (Description courtesy of Amazon UK books).

So, enjoy your Christmas reading whatever it is. Personally, I shall be pulling out those old comic annuals of yesteryear and becoming an eight-year-old again.

Oh, okay, here’s the Star Trek team ready for the festivities…

Rambling on

A few disconnected thoughts, as I can’t think of anything to develop at length.

First, I have mentioned in a few posts the coffee house I go to five days a week, early on, to spend an hour writing or editing, and chatting with the same regular two or three who turn up as the staff are still setting up tables and chairs, sending fresh bakes to their other shop nearby, and generally waking up the building. Here are a couple of photos to give you an idea of the place. Yes, the lighting is low, literally so with the dangling bulbs and hooded lamps, but it’s fine for writing and talking. It can look a little dull from the outside, it doesn’t shout out, ‘Hey, buddy, come on inside and buy a cappuccino!’, but that gives it the sense that it’s a place you accidentally discover or hear about from a friend of a friend and it becomes a haunt you don’t want others to find as it might destroy what you love about the rooms. And, yes, the wooden chairs are hard on the backside, but luckily you can nab a cushion from the sofa because no one else is there…

Now the second ‘ramble on’…I drive a simple little car, a Hyundai, and like many, it has a warning light to tell you if you have a loss of air, usually a puncture. Very useful, for sure. However, at this time of year when you get the first real drop in temperature in the UK, down to 4 or 5 centigrade, it suddenly comes on. No doubt this is because, if you haven’t pumped in air over the year, the colder temperatures have taken the tyre down below the pressure the computerised system onboard will accept. Presumably it thinks, ‘Hey, guys, we have a problem!’. And, yes, it’s not a good idea to drive around on under-pressure tyres, but no one tells you about this when you buy the car. Hence you get a rush of drivers heading to their garages and dealerships thinking they have punctures. A lady came in when I was having brake discs replaced last week, in a panic over this very issue. Ten minutes later, the mechanic said it was because her pressures were 28 instead of 32, not because she had four flat tyres. It caught me out the first year I had the car, and found out my sister and brother-in-law, who had Hyundai cars for several years, also had the issue (they might have told me!). A simple line in the booklet would ease most driver’s minds, wouldn’t it? Anyway, first thing tomorrow, in the cold of morning, I will be battling with the supermarket’s air pump and paying £1 by debit card to pump mine up after the light came on last Friday…

And the third ramble…concerns the shopping centre in town. A structure which has buckets put out on the floor every time there is even the lightest rain, and during several recent floods had its 1000-place car park closed off due to water and the outside open-air part still has some shops closed up and others with sandbags left permanently in position.

Inside, they have spent a little money to add Christmas lights and decorations. Gaudy, it must be said, but at least they’re trying. But the reason for adding them here is the feature element of the displays – a very large teddy bear sitting in front of a very bright Christmas tree. Children can sit themselves on a chair and be photographed with the bear, or rather, they can sit between the bear’s legs and be photographed. I know in the past kids used to sit on Father Christmas’ knee (surely no longer?) but it does look a little odd to have a four-year-old kid sitting where the bear’s genitals would be. Or is it just me? Anyway, there was a snakelike queue waiting for their turn on Sunday afternoon so it seems to attract interest from the more innocent-minded.

All photos except the car are mine.

Enjoy your long build-up to Christmas – Easter eggs going on display as soon as we hit December 1st…

I’ve missed me.

Naught published here for a while due to writing the sequel to my first Elizabethan England novel. I just can’t do both, that and this blog. In the evenings I need the unthinking distraction of the TV or the very advanced thinking of wife and family. And cats.

Speaking of TV I recently signed up with Amazon Prime for a second time and came across an excellent series called The Continental. It’s something about providing the backstory of characters from the John Wicks films. I haven’t watched those so I came to the TV show as a stand-alone. It’s over the top with the violence and shootouts but not graphic, Mel Gibson is a hoot as the head bad guy, and the sound track is absolutely STONKING! It’s set in 1970s New York and you get a fantastic mix of ’70s music, even prog rock. I love it when shows get the music right, and for me this is spot on.

On that topic, I am still working my way through The Marvellous Mrs Maisel. I love it but find I need to space the episodes out. I think too much quickfire Jewish humour wears me down. It too has a great set of songs for the credits at the end of each episode. Very often they are 1980s pop songs, all relevant to the episode’s storyline, even though the story is set in the late ’50s and early ’60s. (some may be from the late ’70s, I’m not going back through them to check every single song…).

Of course, like most unpublished writers (published by a company that is) I fantasise at times about which actors I would have in a movie of my books and what music. For the former I always say I would want to give the chance to unknown actors, give them their big break, and see them on the stage at the Oscars (hah hah). Musically, for my last book, set in 1590 England I would go for the prog rock I mentioned above. I think there is a real connection between the period and the music. The second half of the 16th century saw an explosion of literacy in England, fuelled by the Reformation, printing and the theatre. I read somewhere that by 1600 the literacy rate was around 50%, up from about some ridiculous 5% or so in 1500. In the 1590s there was a real ‘fad’ for middling people to write a journal, something fashionable now, and many of these are waiting to be read by historians rather like the hundreds of WW1 soldiers’ diaries held at the Imperial War Museum. I just feel prog rock represented a similar burst of creativity and the long experimental, intricate, and, at times, ridiculous songs match the mood of Elizabethan times. It was my teenage period so I have to admit to a personal bias. I would love to hear YES’ ‘Wonderous Stories’ used as the backing while the theatre troupe get ready for a performance!

Right, better put this up before I lose it through forgetting how to publish on WordPress. Enjoy your writing, your reading, and your music!

The Last Thing Googled

Photo by Firmbee.com on Unsplash

It’s hardly a novel theme for a blog but my imagination goes these days on whatever book I am trying to write. And my last google of the night?

How do you remove your farthingale?

Maybe that is novel? No, my wife and I were not playing some historically inspired sex game. No, I do not sit around the house of an evening in women’s clothing. No, I had not booked an escort to turn up dressed as Anne Boleyn. It was an innocent inquiry as my hero’s ‘sidekick’ was so dressed (the story set in 1590) and I wanted them to be chased through London’s night-time streets. I had two choices – dress up in a farthingale and try running in it and then see how easy it was to get rid of it, or…google. The latter did not prove that helpful as it seems no one in the history of uploading information to the web had considered this very obvious and important question. However I did learn a few things about the garment which I could refer to in the writing. Poor Cressy, the character, is therefore stuck in her farthingale and I have to find a way for her to escape the clutches of the baddie. Perhaps she will remove a whalebone and stab him with it…

As for other peoples’ last google requests? I tried that and found many answers, quite a few dating back some years.
Have Klingons ever smiled?’ struck me, as a Star Trek fan, quite an important ask. The person claimed it for an art commission they had received. Oh, yeah.

Or ‘quantum electrodynamics pdf‘. Why would you? They claim to be a physics student. Probably true.
Who vs whom‘. That I can relate to. And, no, I still struggle to work it out.

Sentient hamburger.’ Truly. A seven-year-old search, so an early Vegan or something?
i dreamt about you last night and i fell out of bed twice‘. Apparently a lyric from ‘Reel Around the Fountain’ by The Smiths. Yes, they could not be bothered to capitalise the first ‘I’. But then, they are interested in The Smiths so they are clearly of limited intelligence (I could never stand the band and Morrissey).
Hot porn‘. Absolutely no idea what they were looking for there. Never requested that myself. Never.
 ‘Why does my two-and-a-half-year-old son eat his toast upside down? We’ve all been there, haven’t we? And much worse. And much messier. Quite good fun actually, I just tried it with jam – don’t put too much on.
Converting Celsius to Fahrenheit‘. Most probably an English person of a certain age…like me.
How to get rid of feet swelling in pregnancy‘. Um…give birth?
Why are the kardashians famous?‘. Weren’t they a people in Deep Space Nine? Why would they be famous then…?

And the final line must be something like ‘He died in front of the computer, aged 105, and you’ll never guess what he was googling…’hot porn’!’
Search well and prosper.